The "Nudge"

I received this Valentine's card from my not-so-secret admirer today, with this comment:

  

"I saw this card and it reminded me of you telling me about the nudge scene--I hope you think it's funny now that it's been so long ago." 

Oh my...the "Nudge". I haven't thought about the Nudge in such a long time, so this gentle (and HILARIOUS) reminder really brought it all back. It's funny how certain events in your life can feel so momentous at the time, but then after a while, it just completely slips your mind. Its significance, once a burden on your memory, is forgotten and tucked away in some forgone region of your subconscious. Until, you receive something like this in the mail and it all comes rushing back...

So, let me entertain you guys on this Valentine's Day with the story of the infamous Nudge, complete with the over-the-top dramatics of what I remembered feeling like at the time, and of course, the lessons I've learned in all its ridiculous glory. 

The Nudge began as what I thought to be a date. But then again, the whole day--no, the whole situation was predicated on the idea of what I thought. It's really amazing how our mind can work to deceive us, covering up all the holes and cracks to ensure that the castle we've built in our head can remain intact. In hindsight, I should have acknowledged them, but whatever. I had just bought new boots. Awesome leather boots that I wanted to you know, show off, and this was the perfect opportunity. 

So, the day was somewhat planned. And it was nice! I was feeling pretty good. Person seemed to be digging things. Conversation was flowing; It felt effortless, easy, and if you know me, that can be somewhat difficult when I'm around strangers. Bonus points, right? As our pre-planned events began to wind down, we still had the whole day left, and I kept thinking, "Okay, what's next?" I knew I wanted to continue the day. I thought I was getting the same vibe from the person, but I didn't know how to bring it up and most of all, I was just too shy to do so. So, we're walking, walking, walking. As we get closer to the train station, I'm thinking, "Okay...is this it?" We're walking down to the tunnel now and in my mind I'm just "blah," while keeping up a cheery exterior giving the fool directions home because its the first time the person took the train.

At that point, the bubble was slowly bursting. I had this wonderful idea in my head to continue the day in Berkeley. I thought it'd be nice to show the person around the city, given the convenience from where we were already at. We seemed to enjoy each other's company, so I didn't think that was a bad idea at all. But before I could even propose the idea, the person kept asking about directions to get home, like he was somewhat worried about taking the wrong train (or really wanted to get home). As it gets to the point when I (and the person) realize this date is ending--there would be no continuing, no spontaneous show and tell through Berkeley--a palpable curtain of awkwardness just sets in. I mean, you couldn't have cut through that awkwardness with your finest steak knife. I felt fine, but it was very clear to me that all that ease that person had had, just disappeared. Conversation stalled to a halt. We're both just looking around, anywhere but at each other.

I was somewhat relieved to hear the train approaching. The roaring and rush of air gave some relief to the heavy air of awkwardness. Person then turns to me very shyly, thanks me for accompanying (as if I was some last ditch alternative), and gives me a side nudge. Person walks off. I can see the person walking through the train as my silent self absorbs the fact that I just got nudged. The train begins roaring away and the "what the heck, did he just nudge me" bewilderment sets in. Like, really? An elbow nudge? Not even a hug? Even a tender pat on the arm?! The back?! Anything else, but the side nudge! I spend the day getting to know you, the underlying premise that I like you, and I can't even get a hug? Have you guys ever seen the movie, Amelie? There's a scene when Amelie, confronted by the guy she is smitten with, is so overwhelmed by disappointment and embarrassment that her whole self just falls into a puddle of water. All her hopes, too heavy to longer bear, come splashing down. Dramatic? Yes. But that's how I felt in the moment I was nudged.

In hindsight, because of course, hindsight is always 20/20--my overreaction to the nudge was more a misplaced reaction to red flags about the whole thing. I learned some valuable lessons from the nudge. 1) I hate nudges. What the heck?! 2) Not to be shy about what I want or what I expect. Just say it. I'd rather get rejected off the bat than go through the shenanigans, get my hopes up, then deal with the consequences and the built-up emotions after. 3) I really do have the best support network. You guys are always the funniest when it comes to these situations, giving me hilarious advice and witty words of comfort to get through my mini-freakouts. It's a good feeling to know that I have a team of people cheering me on during my most awkward moments.

Special thanks to my not-so-secret admirer, Lien, for the funny trip down memory lane. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!